Past.

Sudden feel to post about random things so this post is gonna be REALLY random.

E492 

First thing on my mind right now is E492. I really miss them. People that I used to call my brothers and sisters are all strangers now. Well, except for Jeff, Waiyin, CH, Wei Kang, Philip, Kristie & Yong Jun I guess. But only staying in contact with 7 of them is just heartbreaking, seeing that there was more than 20 people in E492. And what's worst is I only regularly talk to Jeff, Philip and Kristie. The other 4 are just once in a long while. Even though it has been about 1 year + since E492 divided/disband, I often catch myself thinking about them. Thinking of the times we would goof around during service and during fellowship really makes me miss them more ): But the thing that breaks my heart the most is when I realised how much we've all drifted - to the point of strangers. Remembered one incident clearly when I was out and I saw B.chai. We stared at each other for a few seconds and both of us looked away together. I really, really felt like crying there and then. That brother that I really respect and admire a lot - We're strangers now. Everytime i walk past anybody that used to be from E492, I can't help but feel sad. I know I'm supposed to have moved on by now but it's still hard for me.. I miss you guys. And I hope that we'll one day be able to get together again. 有缘再见 I guess. :/ 

That someone 

Another thing on my mind right now is, who else but him. -____- I'm getting pissed at myself for still thinking of him. Well, for those that I've never shared this before with, he was someone special to me. From the day we first met, we immediately had this unexplainable connection. Since that day, we're constantly texting each other. Being able to meet him was something I look forward to the most every single time and when we met, it'll be the best of time together. We chat about almost anything and everything and we never had an awkward moment when we'll run out of things to talk about. Knowing that I love the song "Taken", he would sing to me softly beside me. And also knowing that I like long bus rides, he would accompany me to take 162 back to amk (which is a super long bus ride). Either that, we'll be just talking about our future while looking at the stars. We were actually so close that everybody in our clique thought that we'll be together one day. So imagine their surprise, and mine, when one day he just suddenly disappear. From the clique and from my life. Just gone. Days, weeks and months after that were hell for me. After so long, I finally knew the reason why he left and no, I ain't gonna share it here. We've only talked once after that day when he left the clique. I still miss him. Everytime I walk pass where we used to hang out, everytime I listen to Taken, everytime I see cute couples, everytime I take long bus rides, he'll always be on my mind. I'm happy to say I've moved on but I can't deny that I still think of him and I still miss him. I just want him back - but as a friend. I really miss you, PTCW. I really do. But wherever you are in life right now, I wish and genuinely want you to be happy. Remember our promise okay, to never be too sad, to never get angry at God and to never give up in life :') 

My past  

Well, I'm not gonna exactly discuss about my past here but rather, how I'm suffering because of my past. Well, there are a lot of things affecting me now because of my past but one of the few things that affected me the most is probably my sleep disorders. I have absolutely no problem fall asleep. The hard part is staying asleep. Every single night, without fail, I'll wake up in the middle of the night. I have no idea why but it happens every single night, without fail, and has been going on for years. It affects me quite badly because I'll end up feeling very tired during the day or nearing the end of the day. Many people suggested that I went to see a psychologist because they think that I have some psychology problem. But that's also one of my problem, I can't open up to people as easily as other people. I just can't. I've never actually shared everything about myself to anybody. Not even Jeffrey. The only One that knows everything about me is probably God, haha. But I just can't help it. I keep pushing people away from me even though I need them the most. Building walls is just part of what I do. It's the one thing I'm good at but not proud of. It's a part of me and it's a part of me that I wish someone would destroy.


Well, I'm gonna stop now. Thinking about all these is really tiring me out.. Post again though I'm not sure when that will be again.