Song: Michael W. Smith ft. Kari Jobe - The One That Really Matters
Hey guys. Another random posting from me again. Just decided to post about the first half of the year. Well, 2014 started out pretty shitty regarding both relationship wise and friendship wise. Losing both HH and Jeff from my life has been and it still is a huge blow to me. And also, drifting from Cindy. There are times when I feel I can never get over these issues. Actually I won't deny, most of the times all 3 of them are constantly on my mind.
Okay the one that started first was HH and what a roller coaster ride that was, all the way up that suddenly came crashing down. And while that was happening, the issue with Jeff (and his girlf) was ongoing as well. Both at the same time just made me feel so tired, both mentally and emotionally, at the same time. And when I have only Cindy to depend on, we drifted.
After all that, I realized I have no one I trust fully to depend on. All my thoughts, secrets and feelings are just bottled inside me from then on. I feel so tired sometimes, and though I don't really have suicidal thoughts often, those thoughts still pass through my mind sometimes. Either that, or I just want to migrate to another country and start a new life there. It really sucks y'know, knowing that I have many great and wonderful friends surrounding me and yet, not being able to fully trust any one of them.
Side track: I let my guard down and decided to learn to trust someone in my class and well, my trust got betrayed just one month ago by that classmate. That day, I made up my mind to never fully trust someone. Not until they've truly earned it. I went back to within my walls and decided I don't wanna go through that again.
Everyday is a struggle for me to survive. To stock up on my positivity and smiles only to run out of them at the end of the day. Not being able to genuinely feel happy for long. Having to make sure not to affect others with my negativity, I have to paste on a smile constantly though I really feel terrible. I know I should've gone to see the psychologist when Amos helped me to book an appointment but.. I just can't bear the thought of having to go through all that alone. I really hate it. Why do I have anxiety problems? Why do I have such trust issues? Why can't I trust people easily? Why?
So sick of everything. So sick of bottling things up. So sick of not being able to trust someone. So sick of everything.
P.S.: I know it's supposed to be about the first half of the year generally but instead it isn't. So
Note to self: do a proper first half of the year post ASAP. Hopefully before July ends. Hopefully.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Day: SundayTime: 1:57AM
Mood: Tired :(
Music: Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood (Max & Alyson Stoner cover)
I miss my old, close friends. Friends like Jeffrey Ler and Cindy. I miss them two especially.
Many of you guys actually asked me what happened between me and Jeffrey and I'll either explain roughly or said it's a long story. Well, what exactly happened was his current girlfriend was jealous of our friendship and wanted him to contact me lesser. Only that we don't even talk to each other everyday. In one month, the maximum days we talked to each other straight is only 7-10 days and after that, we\ll stop talking for about 1-2 weeks before talking again. So tell me, how is that A LOT? -.- But apparently, it is, in her logic. Ok so whatever. I didn't even make him choose between me and her but ah well, since things have gotten to this stage, I couldn't care less anymore. Y'know, it's not about how close our friendship is or that he isn't worth it, but it's just that the disappointment of it is just.. made me kind of don't give a damn about it. I still miss him as a brother and friend. After all, he is the only person in this world that I used to trust fully, and even with my life. But of course, I wouldn't trust him with my life now. I mean, what if in the future I trust him with my life in a life-threatening situation and he suddenly just goes off with his girlfriend? H a h a. Ha.
Cindy, I would say, is just a sad case. As much as I want to deny that we aren't drifting apart, it's just so obvious. We used to text ALL THE TIME, EVERYDAY. And now? I can't even remember the last time we texted. It's just sad because we used to be so close, even though we don't meet everyday. We only meet max once in 1 month, sometimes even lesser and yet we can be so close. Nothing happened between us, no quarrels, nothing. We just kind of... Drifted. And there's nothing much I can say to this.
Whenever I think of Jeffrey or Cindy, I just feel.... sad. Both of them are people I trusted the most in the whole entire world. They're both people I turn to first if any thing ever happened in my life. They were my refuge, my comforter, my help in times of need, my adviser when I'm in need of advice, my source of happiness, joy & love, my family, my best friend. But now, I don't even know if they're my friends or acquaintances.. I really miss them though, I really do.
I'm just so tired of always being the one initiating and starting convos. Sometimes, I keep telling myself that I should just stop initiating and be without them cos if they really treasure me as friends, they'll put in some, if not equal, amount of effort. But I know, deep down in my heart, that if I ever stop initiating, I'll lose some of my friends. And I really don't want that to happen.
NEW SCHOOL, NEW CHAPTER IN LIFE.
So currently, I'm studying in a school I never thought I will study in - ITE. I tell you, the feeling of passing Os but not being able to enter poly is equally as bad, if not worse, as compared to failing Os. It's like, you should be able to go poly cos you passed Os, but you can't because you screwed up one of your subjects. And yes, as many of you guessed, I screwed up my math. Well, it was kind of expected even before I sat for my math O paper but still, when I received my results, I was really sad. Devastated. I cried like WOAH. Friends that saw me crying was shocked. But people didn't expect me to cry. No, people expect me to be strong. And so, I did. I stopped myself from crying and sucked it up. I deserved it. But anyway, back to ITE. I came into ITE with the stereotypical mentality that ITE has no hardworking students or that it is filled with students that just want to play but boy was I wrong. My class proved me wrong and changed my mentality. My classmates are awesome. They're hardworking but knows how to enjoy at the same time. I'm starting to become so attached to them even though it's less then a month. Looking forward to the next 2 years in ITE with them. And if you were to ask me now, I can tell you that NO, I have no regrets coming into ITE. I mean, I definitely still regret not studying and working harder for my Os, but I have no regrets coming in here. In fact, I'm loving it here. At least I'm doing/studying what I love and what I have passion in, as compared to students that goes into some course in poly just for the sake of going poly. I'm loving it here. :)
Okay I'm getting real tired now. Full day ahead. So bye.
Weather: STILL HOT
Mood: Bored. TIRED. :(
Music: Avicii - Wake Me Up