Sunday, July 20, 2014

First half of 2014; trust.

Date: 20/07/2014
Day: Sunday
Time: 1:35PM
Weather: Humid
Mood: :'/
Song: Michael W. Smith ft. Kari Jobe - The One That Really Matters

Hey guys. Another random posting from me again. Just decided to post about the first half of the year. Well, 2014 started out pretty shitty regarding both relationship wise and friendship wise. Losing both HH and Jeff from my life has been and it still is a huge blow to me. And also, drifting from Cindy. There are times when I feel I can never get over these issues. Actually I won't deny, most of the times all 3 of them are constantly on my mind.

Okay the one that started first was HH and what a roller coaster ride that was, all the way up that suddenly came crashing down. And while that was happening, the issue with Jeff (and his girlf) was ongoing as well. Both at the same time just made me feel so tired, both mentally and emotionally, at the same time. And when I have only Cindy to depend on, we drifted.

After all that, I realized I have no one I trust fully to depend on. All my thoughts, secrets and feelings are just bottled inside me from then on. I feel so tired sometimes, and though I don't really have suicidal thoughts often, those thoughts still pass through my mind sometimes. Either that, or I just want to migrate to another country and start a new life there. It really sucks y'know, knowing that I have many great and wonderful friends surrounding me and yet, not being able to fully trust any one of them.

Side track: I let my guard down and decided to learn to trust someone in my class and well, my trust got betrayed just one month ago by that classmate. That day, I made up my mind to never fully trust someone. Not until they've truly earned it. I went back to within my walls and decided I don't wanna go through that again.

Everyday is a struggle for me to survive. To stock up on my positivity and smiles only to run out of them at the end of the day. Not being able to genuinely feel happy for long. Having to make sure not to affect others with my negativity, I have to paste on a smile constantly though I really feel terrible. I know I should've gone to see the psychologist when Amos helped me to book an appointment but.. I just can't bear the thought of having to go through all that alone. I really hate it. Why do I have anxiety problems? Why do I have such trust issues? Why can't I trust people easily? Why?

So sick of everything. So sick of bottling things up. So sick of not being able to trust someone. So sick of everything.

P.S.: I know it's supposed to be about the first half of the year generally but instead it isn't. So
Note to self: do a proper first half of the year post ASAP. Hopefully before July ends. Hopefully.