First half of 2014; trust.

Date: 20/07/2014
Day: Sunday
Time: 1:35PM
Weather: Humid
Mood: :'/
Song: Michael W. Smith ft. Kari Jobe - The One That Really Matters


Hey guys. Another random posting from me again. Just decided to post about the first half of the year. Well, 2014 started out pretty shitty regarding both relationship wise and friendship wise. Losing both HH and Jeff from my life has been and it still is a huge blow to me. And also, drifting from Cindy. There are times when I feel I can never get over these issues. Actually I won't deny, most of the times all 3 of them are constantly on my mind.

Okay the one that started first was HH and what a roller coaster ride that was, all the way up that suddenly came crashing down. And while that was happening, the issue with Jeff (and his girlf) was ongoing as well. Both at the same time just made me feel so tired, both mentally and emotionally, at the same time. And when I have only Cindy to depend on, we drifted.

After all that, I realized I have no one I trust fully to depend on. All my thoughts, secrets and feelings are just bottled inside me from then on. I feel so tired sometimes, and though I don't really have suicidal thoughts often, those thoughts still pass through my mind sometimes. Either that, or I just want to migrate to another country and start a new life there. It really sucks y'know, knowing that I have many great and wonderful friends surrounding me and yet, not being able to fully trust any one of them.



Side track: I let my guard down and decided to learn to trust someone in my class and well, my trust got betrayed just one month ago by that classmate. That day, I made up my mind to never fully trust someone. Not until they've truly earned it. I went back to within my walls and decided I don't wanna go through that again.



Everyday is a struggle for me to survive. To stock up on my positivity and smiles only to run out of them at the end of the day. Not being able to genuinely feel happy for long. Having to make sure not to affect others with my negativity, I have to paste on a smile constantly though I really feel terrible. I know I should've gone to see the psychologist when Amos helped me to book an appointment but.. I just can't bear the thought of having to go through all that alone. I really hate it. Why do I have anxiety problems? Why do I have such trust issues? Why can't I trust people easily? Why?

So sick of everything. So sick of bottling things up. So sick of not being able to trust someone. So sick of everything.


P.S.: I know it's supposed to be about the first half of the year generally but instead it isn't. So
Note to self: do a proper first half of the year post ASAP. Hopefully before July ends. Hopefully.

:)

Me right now.

Human
Artist: Krewella

Is anybody there?
Does anybody care what I'm feeling?
I wanna disappear
So nobody can hear me when I'm screamin'

'Cause I could use a hand sometimes
Yeah, I could use a hand sometimes

They say pain is an illusion
This is just a bruise and you are just confused
But I am only human
I could use a hand sometimes

I am only human [3x]

The night is bitter cold
I wonder if you know that I'm sleepless
Waitin' like a ghost when I need you the most
I go unnoticed

'Cause I could use a hand sometimes
Yeah, I could use a hand sometimes

They say pain is an illusion
This is just a bruise and you are just confused
But I am only human
I could use a hand sometimes

I am only human [2x]

The weight of the world is pullin' me down
Every breath feels like I'm gonna drown
I'm the only one left alone on this Earth
Singin' this song but can't find the words

'Cause I could use a hand sometimes
Yeah, I could use a hand sometimes

They say pain is an illusion
This is just a bruise and you are just confused
But I am only human
I could use a hand sometimes

I am only human

Random

Date: 20/04/2014 

Day: Sunday

Time: 1:57AM

Weather: HOT 

Mood: Tired :(

Music: Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood (Max & Alyson Stoner cover) 

FRIENDS. 

I miss my old, close friends. Friends like Jeffrey Ler and Cindy. I miss them two especially. 

Many of you guys actually asked me what happened between me and Jeffrey and I'll either explain roughly or said it's a long story. Well, what exactly happened was his current girlfriend was jealous of our friendship and wanted him to contact me lesser. Only that we don't even talk to each other everyday. In one month, the maximum days we talked to each other straight is only 7-10 days and after that, we\ll stop talking for about 1-2 weeks before talking again. So tell me, how is that A LOT? -.- But apparently, it is, in her logic. Ok so whatever. I didn't even make him choose between me and her but ah well, since things have gotten to this stage, I couldn't care less anymore. Y'know, it's not about how close our friendship is or that he isn't worth it, but it's just that the disappointment of it is just.. made me kind of don't give a damn about it. I still miss him as a brother and friend. After all, he is the only person in this world that I used to trust fully, and even with my life. But of course, I wouldn't trust him with my life now. I mean, what if in the future I trust him with my life in a life-threatening situation and he suddenly just goes off with his girlfriend? H a h a. Ha. 

Cindy, I would say, is just a sad case. As much as I want to deny that we aren't drifting apart, it's just so obvious. We used to text ALL THE TIME, EVERYDAY. And now? I can't even remember the last time we texted. It's just sad because we used to be so close, even though we don't meet everyday. We only meet max once in 1 month, sometimes even lesser and yet we can be so close. Nothing happened between us, no quarrels, nothing. We just kind of... Drifted. And there's nothing much I can say to this. 

Whenever I think of Jeffrey or Cindy, I just feel.... sad. Both of them are people I trusted the most in the whole entire world. They're both people I turn to first if any thing ever happened in my life. They were my refuge, my comforter, my help in times of need, my adviser when I'm in need of advice, my source of happiness, joy & love, my family, my best friend. But now, I don't even know if they're my friends or acquaintances.. I really miss them though, I really do. 

I'm just so tired of always being the one initiating and starting convos. Sometimes, I keep telling myself that I should just stop initiating and be without them cos if they really treasure me as friends, they'll put in some, if not equal, amount of effort. But I know, deep down in my heart, that if I ever stop initiating, I'll lose some of my friends. And I really don't want that to happen. 

NEW SCHOOL, NEW CHAPTER IN LIFE.

So currently, I'm studying in a school I never thought I will study in - ITE. I tell you, the feeling of passing Os but not being able to enter poly is equally as bad, if not worse, as compared to failing Os. It's like, you should be able to go poly cos you passed Os, but you can't because you screwed up one of your subjects. And yes, as many of you guessed, I screwed up my math. Well, it was kind of expected even before I sat for my math O paper but still, when I received my results, I was really sad. Devastated. I cried like WOAH. Friends that saw me crying was shocked. But people didn't expect me to cry. No, people expect me to be strong. And so, I did. I stopped myself from crying and sucked it up. I deserved it. But anyway, back to ITE. I came into ITE with the stereotypical mentality that ITE has no hardworking students or that it is filled with students that just want to play but boy was I wrong. My class proved me wrong and changed my mentality. My classmates are awesome. They're hardworking but knows how to enjoy at the same time. I'm starting to become so attached to them even though it's less then a month. Looking forward to the next 2 years in ITE with them. And if you were to ask me now, I can tell you that NO, I have no regrets coming into ITE. I mean, I definitely still regret not studying and working harder for my Os, but I have no regrets coming in here. In fact, I'm loving it here. At least I'm doing/studying what I love and what I have passion in, as compared to students that goes into some course in poly just for the sake of going poly. I'm loving it here. :) 

Okay I'm getting real tired now. Full day ahead. So bye. 

Date: 20/04/2014 

Day: Thursday 

Time: 2.35AM 

Weather: STILL HOT 

Mood: Bored. TIRED. :( 

Music: Avicii - Wake Me Up 

Past.

Sudden feel to post about random things so this post is gonna be REALLY random.

E492 

First thing on my mind right now is E492. I really miss them. People that I used to call my brothers and sisters are all strangers now. Well, except for Jeff, Waiyin, CH, Wei Kang, Philip, Kristie & Yong Jun I guess. But only staying in contact with 7 of them is just heartbreaking, seeing that there was more than 20 people in E492. And what's worst is I only regularly talk to Jeff, Philip and Kristie. The other 4 are just once in a long while. Even though it has been about 1 year + since E492 divided/disband, I often catch myself thinking about them. Thinking of the times we would goof around during service and during fellowship really makes me miss them more ): But the thing that breaks my heart the most is when I realised how much we've all drifted - to the point of strangers. Remembered one incident clearly when I was out and I saw B.chai. We stared at each other for a few seconds and both of us looked away together. I really, really felt like crying there and then. That brother that I really respect and admire a lot - We're strangers now. Everytime i walk past anybody that used to be from E492, I can't help but feel sad. I know I'm supposed to have moved on by now but it's still hard for me.. I miss you guys. And I hope that we'll one day be able to get together again. 有缘再见 I guess. :/ 

That someone 

Another thing on my mind right now is, who else but him. -____- I'm getting pissed at myself for still thinking of him. Well, for those that I've never shared this before with, he was someone special to me. From the day we first met, we immediately had this unexplainable connection. Since that day, we're constantly texting each other. Being able to meet him was something I look forward to the most every single time and when we met, it'll be the best of time together. We chat about almost anything and everything and we never had an awkward moment when we'll run out of things to talk about. Knowing that I love the song "Taken", he would sing to me softly beside me. And also knowing that I like long bus rides, he would accompany me to take 162 back to amk (which is a super long bus ride). Either that, we'll be just talking about our future while looking at the stars. We were actually so close that everybody in our clique thought that we'll be together one day. So imagine their surprise, and mine, when one day he just suddenly disappear. From the clique and from my life. Just gone. Days, weeks and months after that were hell for me. After so long, I finally knew the reason why he left and no, I ain't gonna share it here. We've only talked once after that day when he left the clique. I still miss him. Everytime I walk pass where we used to hang out, everytime I listen to Taken, everytime I see cute couples, everytime I take long bus rides, he'll always be on my mind. I'm happy to say I've moved on but I can't deny that I still think of him and I still miss him. I just want him back - but as a friend. I really miss you, PTCW. I really do. But wherever you are in life right now, I wish and genuinely want you to be happy. Remember our promise okay, to never be too sad, to never get angry at God and to never give up in life :') 

My past  

Well, I'm not gonna exactly discuss about my past here but rather, how I'm suffering because of my past. Well, there are a lot of things affecting me now because of my past but one of the few things that affected me the most is probably my sleep disorders. I have absolutely no problem fall asleep. The hard part is staying asleep. Every single night, without fail, I'll wake up in the middle of the night. I have no idea why but it happens every single night, without fail, and has been going on for years. It affects me quite badly because I'll end up feeling very tired during the day or nearing the end of the day. Many people suggested that I went to see a psychologist because they think that I have some psychology problem. But that's also one of my problem, I can't open up to people as easily as other people. I just can't. I've never actually shared everything about myself to anybody. Not even Jeffrey. The only One that knows everything about me is probably God, haha. But I just can't help it. I keep pushing people away from me even though I need them the most. Building walls is just part of what I do. It's the one thing I'm good at but not proud of. It's a part of me and it's a part of me that I wish someone would destroy.


Well, I'm gonna stop now. Thinking about all these is really tiring me out.. Post again though I'm not sure when that will be again. 

Friends.

Just a short post on my few good friends (;

CINDY.
Nothing much to blog bout her. The one that stayed by my side through thick or thin, highs and lows. Stayed when everybody else was leaving. My counselor, companion, friend, buddy, life-long friend, life-changing buddy. My wingless angle. :) And i really thank God for her. :) Love her so so much. And i can see her still in my life years down the road. And i can see her still in my life when we get old together. My closest friend, companion, buddy and my wingless angel. I love you dearest. (:

RACHEL. 
My character-clashing buddy. Love her to bits. Don't have the perfect friendship but every memories, every moments are perfect. Always laughing and joking around with her. Always encouraging me and pushing me forward in life, especially in my studies. Even if i gave up and sleep, she'll wake me up and ask me to do. Never-ending thanks to God for placing her in my life. Even if we don't end up spending our whole entire life together as best of friends (which i doubt actually ), I really thank God for you and i really thank you for always tolerating this bull temper of mine and for tolerating my shits. HAHAS! I love you girlfriend. (:

JEFFREY.
My closest guy friend EVER. Stayed with me through thick and thin. Knows almost all of my secrets. He knows the most actually. We may not be as close as before but you don't have to stay in contact with your friend every day and every second to know that they are still you BEST friend. Love how we can never get awkward with each other no matter how long we don't talk. Eternal thanks to God for placing you in my life. And thank you, for staying with me. No matter how unreasonable i get sometimes, you still tolerated me and stayed with me. Thank you for that. I will never forget you nor whatever you've done for me. Can't imagine where i will be in life right now if not for you. BIGGEST thanks to you for changing me. Bringing me back to the right path again and again and never giving up on me no matter how many times i went back to the old ways. Thank you. I love you. :)

NAOMI.
I'm jealous of your name. SO COOL CAN. ): HAHA. Anyway, we may not be the closest but i really thank you for being such a great and amazing friend. Thanks for always tolerating my shits, again and again. HEHE. Really glad i can be me when i'm with you. Never running out of topics to talk about with you. And i know i can trust you. Thanks for gaining my trust haha. Hope to become closer friends with you. Going out more often and knowing each other better. :) Can't wait till the next time we go out again! ^^ Thanking God for such an amazing friend like you and thank you for being my friend. Love you sis! (:


Shall blog again soon i guess. Adios for now (:

"The circumstances of ones birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." ~ Mewtwo, The Pokemon Movie.

MY BEST OF BEST FRIEND.

Shall revive my blog by posting about random poops. :)

2011 had been a ... good year i guess. Lots of ups and downs. Settling from NA to through-train was very tough. Results so far not that good. Oh well, -shrug shoulders-. Lost old friends, made new friends. But what can i do?

LIFE GOES ON.

Know of a few friends that are going through some of the toughest time of their life. People need to realise that, LIFE IS NEVER A FAIR GAME AND IT WILL NEVER BE ONE.Be a bitch cos EVERYBODY IS a bitch. It's just whether they are bitchier or you are. It may seem like you're in a dark tunnel that is never-ending but trust me, EVERYTHING will come to an end. So will your troubles. It'll eventually come to an end. It's just when. BUT, hold on and never give up. So what if you're at the bottom of a dark, deep pit? You're already at the BOTTOM, so the only direction is UP. WORK your way through your problem and trouble. It ain't gonna work out itself so YOU gotta work your way through it. You can cry, you can scream, you can manipulate yourself but doing all these won't solve the problem. So, STOP being a crybaby and cry over spilled milk. And ALWAYS remember,

A minute spend being upset is 60 seconds of happiness gone.



TO MY DEAREST FRIEND, CINDY:

HELLO DARLING! Woah, haha. Look at where we are now! Remember we used to hate each other so much? And now it's like, we're such close and best friends! :D HAHA. I really hope you'll cheerup soon. I know you can't help but feel upset and cry once in a while but it'll be alright soon. Trust me alright? (: Who cares if he don't want you anymore? I LOVE YOU CAN ALR. ♥ HEHE.

IF HE'S STUPID ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY, BE SMART ENOUGH TO LET HIM GO.

I know i must have said this like, a gazillion times. But, just wanna let you know. (: When a lover breaks your heart, you can always trust your friends to help you collect the shattered pieces. HEHE.

Looking forward to many more years of friendship with you and I LOVE YOU! ♥♥ :D

Watching "Destination Truth" on Okto NOW. Their creepiest & last ep. ever! :) ):
My awesome march holiday schedule :
Monday - Drama then follow by Cheerleading.
Tuesday - Go make Passport w/ mom.
Wednesday - Cheerleading.
Thursday - Drama (Most likely overnight camp).
Friday - Drama then rush like crazy to Cheerleading.
Saturday or Sunday - Cheerleading competition .
I know. Nice march "holiday" right? :) CAN'T WAIT FOR 19 APRIL!! GOING JUSTIN BIEBER'S CONCERT WITH AMANDA!! HEHEHEHAHAHAHOHOHO. :B Gonna chiong work for money to spend. In need of money. NOW. Since i practically used every amount of money i earned for February. :/